Alan Wake was trapped. He was trapped in his dark twisted nightmare that he foolishly inflicted on himself. It wasn't untill he reviewed the malevolent pages that trapped him here to begin with that he understood what had become him. The game was changing. Everything had new rules and a new logic that he was not familiar with. Things that were once important no longer mattered to him and thing he never thought about now became his lifelines. Things have changed.
Darren woke up. He wasn't in some forest. He wasn't on some long adventure with no end. He was in his god damn room. Typing pointlessly on a computer that he bought for university. He sat there wondering why any of this crap mattered to him. Why one person could ruin everything, Why simple thoughts could turn you mad. He thought about it briefly, but as he typed those things he came to one conclusion. They do not matter. Nothing that he once cared about mattered. It was useless shit. This whole fucking blog means nothing. It is merely a way to collect my thoughts in a coherent manner that doesnt confuse the fuck out of me when I'm thinking about it.
So lets discuss this, so called conclusion, that I have come to. I am me. That's it. I act the way I want to. I don't act the way I don't want to. I have my own life that is unhindered by people who I don't like. Now people I don't like consists of people who, AT THAT POINT IN TIME, I feel are negative influences. I have friends, only a few true ones, the rest are aquaintences. I just care about the friends and I like that I only have a few. It's more intimate that way. That girl that I always talked about. The one who I claimed "ruined my life." She is an interesting case. She borders on the line between friend and aquaintence. Her actions will determine her placement, but right now I don't care. I mean i really don't want her to be a part of my life. I mean I like to think I'm strong or pretend that I have the upper hand, but she does. When I talk to her she even abuses that power. Why do I sink to her control so easily? I even think about her slightly when I make a decision. It has to stop. I want to be happy, so I will try my best to be exactly that. Happiness is as easy as wanting it and going for it. Life will NEVER kill me unless they use an actually leathal meathod :P It is all just words and feelings. If they're my feelings then I should have the control. If they are her words then I should crush them in my mind vice (to quote 30 Rock). This war is over. I'm winning.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Let's put it this way.
I would be naive to think that nothing changed after Thursday. I would be naive to say that she is acting the way she was before because she is not. She is acting different. This is fact. What is up for debate is what it all means. No one can know how she feels right now except for her. I may strongly believe that her feeling for me have decreased and now she is trying to avoid me in small instances. Regardless of what I believe, I could very easily be wrong. Even if I was right, nothing is set in stone and I could change that. I can and want to change that. I hope I find out more soon. I actually wish I knew now so I could concentrate on my damn lab report.
Good Grief Charlie Brown.
In psychology we learned of a concept called 'missattribution of arousal." I think I'm starting to understand it. I have tons of anxiety. Bundles, heaps, gaggles, and boxes of anxiety. I have been under the impression that it is due to this new girl, BUT, I have one big fucking other source of anxiety; THE RETURN TO CLASSES. I have a midterm on Friday, a calc problem set due on wednesday, applications for research opprotunities, and I am late in calling an employer for a summer job. I AM FRICKING SWAMPED. So I have probably been a little melodramatic and missattributing this arousal to her rather than the more obvious source of the rest of my life :P
Sadly though that doesn't mean I'm not anxious over her at all. I still am, but it's more of one more fucking cherry on the cake of pain. I would much rather not have to deal with her at all; and by "deal" I mean worry about the things I worry about. I mean if we were together and happy, I honestly doubt I'd be worrying. But, such is life. I am still trying to woo her and will continue to at this point in time. However, I still feel like she is no longer interested. If I still feel like this after pi day, I'm done. My self esteem can only take so much patience. Her loss.
I would love to meet a girl, for once, that can actually lower my stress.
Sadly though that doesn't mean I'm not anxious over her at all. I still am, but it's more of one more fucking cherry on the cake of pain. I would much rather not have to deal with her at all; and by "deal" I mean worry about the things I worry about. I mean if we were together and happy, I honestly doubt I'd be worrying. But, such is life. I am still trying to woo her and will continue to at this point in time. However, I still feel like she is no longer interested. If I still feel like this after pi day, I'm done. My self esteem can only take so much patience. Her loss.
I would love to meet a girl, for once, that can actually lower my stress.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Return to older worse things.
So, this is kind of a blast from the past. This blog, this whole idea of a blog, is stupid. It is a waste of my time. So you non-existent readers might be wondering, "If it is so stupid why do you have a new post?" Well that is a fantastic question smart ass. The reason I am posting on this computer (yes, it is a computer, not a fucking forest on a journey or some shit) is because I have exhausted my complaining resources. I have complained and complained to all my friends that I'm afraid if I complain anymore they will give up on me and leave. But then a more bleak thought emerges. I've already given up on myself. So I shall now complain to you, the faceless internet, in the hopes of a miracle.
You see, I have made a lot of progress since this blog started. I have a new life free from the obsesive thoughts of jenn (yes I have said her name). I found happiness in myself and I was even in a play. However, I may have made too much progress. I have found a new girl. Julene. She, some reason, has invaded my thoughts. When I see romance and couples I don't think of jenn. I think of Julene. But this brings up the problem that I am now facing... flirting.
I am a stereotype. I am the nerd who doesn't know what the fuck to say in front of a pretty girl, but with a catch. The truth is I know exactly what to say. I am smart funny and I can be quite flirtacious, but when I see her I FORGET EVERYTHING. I devolve to a sixth grade boy who blushes at the thought of a kiss. I want nothing more than for this to work out, but I don't think it can. I just fail, and fail, and fail continuously. IT TOOK ME TILL TODAY, to figure out that when I text her I don't need an excuse to do it, I just need to say "hey, how are you?" and that was AFTER MY BEST FRIEND TOLD ME. I lose all my common sense. I need my hand to be held every fucking step of the way. I feel like a grandfather with alzheimer's. Although, it may be too late. It's a little strange. She will comment on stuff on facebook, but I txted her exactly that and she never replyed. I may have fucked up my first date so badly that it was over before it began.
But, there may be a silver lining. 1) She may feel like she screwed up and that could be what is strange with her. 2) I should be doing it my own way, instead of asking for advice. 3) I should tell her how I feel so I stop obsessing over it. 1 or all 3 of these options may be the real story. I don't know. Till I find out I guess I will try, try, and try again.
You see, I have made a lot of progress since this blog started. I have a new life free from the obsesive thoughts of jenn (yes I have said her name). I found happiness in myself and I was even in a play. However, I may have made too much progress. I have found a new girl. Julene. She, some reason, has invaded my thoughts. When I see romance and couples I don't think of jenn. I think of Julene. But this brings up the problem that I am now facing... flirting.
I am a stereotype. I am the nerd who doesn't know what the fuck to say in front of a pretty girl, but with a catch. The truth is I know exactly what to say. I am smart funny and I can be quite flirtacious, but when I see her I FORGET EVERYTHING. I devolve to a sixth grade boy who blushes at the thought of a kiss. I want nothing more than for this to work out, but I don't think it can. I just fail, and fail, and fail continuously. IT TOOK ME TILL TODAY, to figure out that when I text her I don't need an excuse to do it, I just need to say "hey, how are you?" and that was AFTER MY BEST FRIEND TOLD ME. I lose all my common sense. I need my hand to be held every fucking step of the way. I feel like a grandfather with alzheimer's. Although, it may be too late. It's a little strange. She will comment on stuff on facebook, but I txted her exactly that and she never replyed. I may have fucked up my first date so badly that it was over before it began.
But, there may be a silver lining. 1) She may feel like she screwed up and that could be what is strange with her. 2) I should be doing it my own way, instead of asking for advice. 3) I should tell her how I feel so I stop obsessing over it. 1 or all 3 of these options may be the real story. I don't know. Till I find out I guess I will try, try, and try again.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Things to look forward to Day 9
I want to say a quick painless death but I guess that defeats the point of this being positive thinking :P
So I guess I will have to say: Surviving first year and moving on to better things.
So I guess I will have to say: Surviving first year and moving on to better things.
Monday, November 8, 2010
The F*** You Song.
THIS IN NO WAY HAS TO DO WITH THE GIRL. This is just a really catchy funny song that ABC showed me that brightens up my day and is fun to sing along to when you are angry. Again. I promise this has nothing to do with her.
Fuck You by Cee Lo Green: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU
Fuck You by Cee Lo Green: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU
F.U.N.
Today I was studying for my calculus exam with ABC and guess what?... I HAD FUN. During the most random time to have fun I had TRUE FUN for like the first time since the break up. We were studying and listening to music and she was in my mind, but I was still having fun anyways.
It just kind of clicked. It doesn't matter what happened, I am still Darren Boulet. I don't have to be different if I don't want to. This isn't some spell that was cast on me to stop me from having fun. I can still have fun with my pals that have been with me since elementary school. She can wait because right now I'm focusing on me, my friends and having fun.
It just kind of clicked. It doesn't matter what happened, I am still Darren Boulet. I don't have to be different if I don't want to. This isn't some spell that was cast on me to stop me from having fun. I can still have fun with my pals that have been with me since elementary school. She can wait because right now I'm focusing on me, my friends and having fun.
Anger
I still have some anger built up inside me. Not anger towards her. More like anger in general. This anger built up from this situation, so even if I don't believe it anymore, which I don't, it's still there. I still believe that the more love give the more this anger will go away, but I can't find anyone to love :P I don't even mean love in the romantic sense. I can't even find people to help. No one seems to need my help, or my caring. How can I love anyone when no one needs to be loved?
This is just a big mess of a problem. Well my psych teacher said the average time to get over depression is 6 months. Only 4 more months to go!... I'm getting pretty fucking used to disappointment.
This is just a big mess of a problem. Well my psych teacher said the average time to get over depression is 6 months. Only 4 more months to go!... I'm getting pretty fucking used to disappointment.
Change
For the longest time I've felt that she has become a completely different person. That she is no where close the person that I remember. That she is treating me like I'm a different person; I'm the same, she is the one that is changed.
What I said may be true on some level. Everyone is changing all the time, especially during the adventure that is university. And of course she is going to treat me a little differently; we aren't together anymore. However, it took me till now to realize that What I described in the above paragraph is actually how I've been acting. I am acting like a completely different person. I don't remember ever acting this way before. I am treating her like a completely different person; she is pretty much the exact same girl I remember, I just can't seem to recognize it anymore. My view of the world and her actions are skewed and I don't like it. I'm the one that has changed.
What I said may be true on some level. Everyone is changing all the time, especially during the adventure that is university. And of course she is going to treat me a little differently; we aren't together anymore. However, it took me till now to realize that What I described in the above paragraph is actually how I've been acting. I am acting like a completely different person. I don't remember ever acting this way before. I am treating her like a completely different person; she is pretty much the exact same girl I remember, I just can't seem to recognize it anymore. My view of the world and her actions are skewed and I don't like it. I'm the one that has changed.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
To Quote Brittney Spears, "My loneliness, is killing me."
Being alone sucks. I mean I'm not a loner. I have friends. In fact I have a bunch of friends that really care about me. What I mean by being alone is that I have no one to share my problems with. No one undertands what I'm going through. This is why I'm alone. I have no one to talk to. It probably makes my situation feel worse. The only person who does won't talk to me for my own good. Maybe down the road I will appreciate the fact that I can deal with my problems myself, as of now I don't agree. I mean this is a good experience that will make me stronger and make me appreciate when I do find someone to be with even more. Whether that is a completely new person I never met before, ... or maybe I get back together with the girl. Does that make me a weak spinless person to hope that? I hope not. I feel so guilty, but I have yet to admit it and I can't lie to myself anymore. I want to be with her again.... although I don't believe that will happen. I think that scenerio exists only in my dreams because it actually does exist in my dreams... it happens a lot.
It's good though to think that it will never happen because it forces me to move on, which I think is the healthy thing to do. I just hate feeling alone.
It's good though to think that it will never happen because it forces me to move on, which I think is the healthy thing to do. I just hate feeling alone.
Training your Brain in Minutes a Day.
Why does it make me angry that I'm not her top priorety? This is why I was angry before. It's not that I didn't think she cared, it's that I didn't think she cared enough. I mean I know why I think this. It's because I'm upset that she broke up with me. Obviously i'm going to be upset that I'm as important to her as I used to be. It's just fucking hard to accept that. I need to understand that I'm not the most important thing to her, we aren't together, she's not my responsibilty and I'm not her's, I don't have anymore influence on her life, and we need to date other people and I can't stop her.
It sounds so simple when I type it, but it's been 2 months, why can't I fucking grasp it? And why don't I want to.
It sounds so simple when I type it, but it's been 2 months, why can't I fucking grasp it? And why don't I want to.
So Much Anxiety so Little Time
I feel anxious almost... well I guess 87% of the time. Maybe more, I don't really know, but I know it's a whole lot. Here is a few things that make me anxious: talking to pretty girls, thinking about school work, doing school work, auditioning for a musical when you know you can't sing, thinking about tomorrow and thinking about my life. Take note that these are just the things that don't have to do with THE girl. Add the things that make me anxious regarding her and you've got yourself 100 different problems.
I never used to be like this. Seriously. Before the break-up people considered me to be an extremely chill guy. I never worried about anything. It was like I was constantly sedated. Ok, maybe that was an exageration, but I was definately more chill than most people. In fact, people would think the world was ending if I ever got angry. Now if my favorite TV show isn't on that week I start freaking out. It just sucks knowing you've completely changed as a person into someone you aren't happy with anymore. I don't really like myself anymore. I never thought I would say that. I've always liked who I was, but maybe that's the point. I liked who I WAS, not who I am now. The thing is I feel like I'm trying to change back, but I just can't , no matter how hard I try. I stay this neurotic mess of a person that can't seem to deal with a problem on his own, instead of the funny guy who wasn't phased by life's curve balls.
Maybe it's wrong to blame all my problems on this break up. Actually scratch that, I KNOW it's wrong to be blaming all my problems on this break up, but can you blame me? I mean it's not like I was like this before the break up. Also this is a terrible thought, but I feel like I wouldn't be like this if the break up never happened. I just shouldn't think about things like that. I should do what my psychology professor says and "redirect my attention to other things." You see, redirecting attention is different than avoiding because you still care about, it's on your mind, it's just not your top priorety. Actually I just realized that's what she's doing to me... fuck it's working well. I wan't to be able to do that. I want to be able to NOT think about her, her good looks, sense of humor, and all around caringness.... wow this isn't working. Shit, think, THINK. There has to be a way to get out of this funk!
I think I would be soooooo much better if I found another female. Someone who understands me and cares about me... and NOT the same gender as me! The problem is I've got so much emotional baggage at the moment no girl would want to deal with me. IM A MESS. As I told the girl when we first started dating, "I'm a broken robot." Well that kind of implies I was broken before, which I was, but not to this extent. So this makes me believe that if it worked before it will work again, which is a very optimistic thing to say. However, here arrises another problem. I CAN'T MEET PEOPLE. I commute to school. This right here is the biggest fucking problem because anyone who commutes knows that if you stay on residence you meet WAYYY more people and a lot easier too. Second problem, ALL THE CUTE GIRLS ARE ALREADY TAKEN. I mean, shit! All the awesome girls I've met still have their boyfriends from highschool. Why do I have to fall in love with the girl who can't fucking deal with it? Does this prove that God exists and that he hates me? I like to think so :P Here comes the third problem, even if I did find a super awesome girl who was single, I DONT KNOW HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS. They were even one of the things I listed that made me anxious! I just never learned how to talk to girls properly/flirt with them. I never learned because I met this girl who was as awkward as I was and that's why we went out. We both didn't know how to talk to the opposite sex :P. Not to mention that me not being in a right state of mind at the moment makes it even harder to talk to ANYONE in general. So I probably won't find anyone anytime soon. Maybe that's a good thing since if I'm still feeling this way towards the girl than I wouldn't be feeling anything genuin towards a new girl. However, if I found a new girl they would sweep me off my feet and make my forget all about the girl.... hahaha like that's going to happen. It would take a fricking wave of women to make me forget about the girl. Besides, if I forgot the girl I would be forgetting all the good things she taught me.
I need to find a way to stop all this anxiety. There has to be something I can do, but I can't think of anything. I just want to stop being anxious because it's affecting my life in a negaitve way and changing me in a way that I don't like. I just want it to stop, is that so much to ask?!? Oh wait, I forgot this is supposed to be a learning experience... well fuck that :P It just makes me hate learning a little bit.
I never used to be like this. Seriously. Before the break-up people considered me to be an extremely chill guy. I never worried about anything. It was like I was constantly sedated. Ok, maybe that was an exageration, but I was definately more chill than most people. In fact, people would think the world was ending if I ever got angry. Now if my favorite TV show isn't on that week I start freaking out. It just sucks knowing you've completely changed as a person into someone you aren't happy with anymore. I don't really like myself anymore. I never thought I would say that. I've always liked who I was, but maybe that's the point. I liked who I WAS, not who I am now. The thing is I feel like I'm trying to change back, but I just can't , no matter how hard I try. I stay this neurotic mess of a person that can't seem to deal with a problem on his own, instead of the funny guy who wasn't phased by life's curve balls.
Maybe it's wrong to blame all my problems on this break up. Actually scratch that, I KNOW it's wrong to be blaming all my problems on this break up, but can you blame me? I mean it's not like I was like this before the break up. Also this is a terrible thought, but I feel like I wouldn't be like this if the break up never happened. I just shouldn't think about things like that. I should do what my psychology professor says and "redirect my attention to other things." You see, redirecting attention is different than avoiding because you still care about, it's on your mind, it's just not your top priorety. Actually I just realized that's what she's doing to me... fuck it's working well. I wan't to be able to do that. I want to be able to NOT think about her, her good looks, sense of humor, and all around caringness.... wow this isn't working. Shit, think, THINK. There has to be a way to get out of this funk!
I think I would be soooooo much better if I found another female. Someone who understands me and cares about me... and NOT the same gender as me! The problem is I've got so much emotional baggage at the moment no girl would want to deal with me. IM A MESS. As I told the girl when we first started dating, "I'm a broken robot." Well that kind of implies I was broken before, which I was, but not to this extent. So this makes me believe that if it worked before it will work again, which is a very optimistic thing to say. However, here arrises another problem. I CAN'T MEET PEOPLE. I commute to school. This right here is the biggest fucking problem because anyone who commutes knows that if you stay on residence you meet WAYYY more people and a lot easier too. Second problem, ALL THE CUTE GIRLS ARE ALREADY TAKEN. I mean, shit! All the awesome girls I've met still have their boyfriends from highschool. Why do I have to fall in love with the girl who can't fucking deal with it? Does this prove that God exists and that he hates me? I like to think so :P Here comes the third problem, even if I did find a super awesome girl who was single, I DONT KNOW HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS. They were even one of the things I listed that made me anxious! I just never learned how to talk to girls properly/flirt with them. I never learned because I met this girl who was as awkward as I was and that's why we went out. We both didn't know how to talk to the opposite sex :P. Not to mention that me not being in a right state of mind at the moment makes it even harder to talk to ANYONE in general. So I probably won't find anyone anytime soon. Maybe that's a good thing since if I'm still feeling this way towards the girl than I wouldn't be feeling anything genuin towards a new girl. However, if I found a new girl they would sweep me off my feet and make my forget all about the girl.... hahaha like that's going to happen. It would take a fricking wave of women to make me forget about the girl. Besides, if I forgot the girl I would be forgetting all the good things she taught me.
I need to find a way to stop all this anxiety. There has to be something I can do, but I can't think of anything. I just want to stop being anxious because it's affecting my life in a negaitve way and changing me in a way that I don't like. I just want it to stop, is that so much to ask?!? Oh wait, I forgot this is supposed to be a learning experience... well fuck that :P It just makes me hate learning a little bit.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Sex and the Party 2
I went to another party. This time with two of my best friends at a University an hour from here. I realized had some strong feelings and secrets about myself and sex. Maybe one day when I am not so scared and confused with myself I will be able to talk about them. Right now I think they may be too personal even for the close friends reading this blog. They might actually make me feel worse than the breakup itself in some ways. I feel like a fucked up person.
An Inconvenient Truth
Over the past couple days my parents and friends have constantly told me that there is someone perfect for me out there. Someone better than her. This may be true, but if I can't see them yet it doesn't really help me at the moment :P ... not to mention that I still think it's her sadly.
Putting my foot Down.
I'm tired of feeling shitty. Plain and simple because that's all I feel all the time. I can only ever get her out of my head for about a half hour at most. You know it's sad when you can't have a good time partying at your best friend's university campus (I did this last night) for the sole reason reason that his campus looks too much and is too close to her campus. That's when you know for sure you have a problem.
My problem is that I care about her too much. Not only that, but I care about what she thinks too much. She no longer has any say in what I do. She gave up that priveledge. It shouldn't matter to me what she is thinking because we aren't together anymore. I have been trying too hard to get this friendship going again, when the onus should deffinately NOT be on me. It should be completely her responsibilty to get this friendship going because since she vroke up with me this is obviously her fault. Also because she told me that there was absolutly nothing I could have done to prevent this break up, so why am I trying?
From now on I will not talk to her. I will not message her and I will not try to get in touch with her. I am completely willing to make this work, but this time it must be her to take the first step. This is the way it should of been in the first place because it is her responsibilty to prove to me that even though she broke up with me, I still matter to her. She needs to prove to me that she cares what I think and really wants to be my friend because that's what I've done for her. She hasn't done this yet. So far I have always been the person to make the first move. I'm not going to make it easy for her anymore. That doesn't mean I'm going to make it harder. I'm not going to make it harder for her. That is actually the last thing I want to do. I am just going to make it the way it should be; her making this friend ship work. This is her turn now.
My problem is that I care about her too much. Not only that, but I care about what she thinks too much. She no longer has any say in what I do. She gave up that priveledge. It shouldn't matter to me what she is thinking because we aren't together anymore. I have been trying too hard to get this friendship going again, when the onus should deffinately NOT be on me. It should be completely her responsibilty to get this friendship going because since she vroke up with me this is obviously her fault. Also because she told me that there was absolutly nothing I could have done to prevent this break up, so why am I trying?
From now on I will not talk to her. I will not message her and I will not try to get in touch with her. I am completely willing to make this work, but this time it must be her to take the first step. This is the way it should of been in the first place because it is her responsibilty to prove to me that even though she broke up with me, I still matter to her. She needs to prove to me that she cares what I think and really wants to be my friend because that's what I've done for her. She hasn't done this yet. So far I have always been the person to make the first move. I'm not going to make it easy for her anymore. That doesn't mean I'm going to make it harder. I'm not going to make it harder for her. That is actually the last thing I want to do. I am just going to make it the way it should be; her making this friend ship work. This is her turn now.
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