Alan Wake was trapped. He was trapped in his dark twisted nightmare that he foolishly inflicted on himself. It wasn't untill he reviewed the malevolent pages that trapped him here to begin with that he understood what had become him. The game was changing. Everything had new rules and a new logic that he was not familiar with. Things that were once important no longer mattered to him and thing he never thought about now became his lifelines. Things have changed.
Darren woke up. He wasn't in some forest. He wasn't on some long adventure with no end. He was in his god damn room. Typing pointlessly on a computer that he bought for university. He sat there wondering why any of this crap mattered to him. Why one person could ruin everything, Why simple thoughts could turn you mad. He thought about it briefly, but as he typed those things he came to one conclusion. They do not matter. Nothing that he once cared about mattered. It was useless shit. This whole fucking blog means nothing. It is merely a way to collect my thoughts in a coherent manner that doesnt confuse the fuck out of me when I'm thinking about it.
So lets discuss this, so called conclusion, that I have come to. I am me. That's it. I act the way I want to. I don't act the way I don't want to. I have my own life that is unhindered by people who I don't like. Now people I don't like consists of people who, AT THAT POINT IN TIME, I feel are negative influences. I have friends, only a few true ones, the rest are aquaintences. I just care about the friends and I like that I only have a few. It's more intimate that way. That girl that I always talked about. The one who I claimed "ruined my life." She is an interesting case. She borders on the line between friend and aquaintence. Her actions will determine her placement, but right now I don't care. I mean i really don't want her to be a part of my life. I mean I like to think I'm strong or pretend that I have the upper hand, but she does. When I talk to her she even abuses that power. Why do I sink to her control so easily? I even think about her slightly when I make a decision. It has to stop. I want to be happy, so I will try my best to be exactly that. Happiness is as easy as wanting it and going for it. Life will NEVER kill me unless they use an actually leathal meathod :P It is all just words and feelings. If they're my feelings then I should have the control. If they are her words then I should crush them in my mind vice (to quote 30 Rock). This war is over. I'm winning.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Let's put it this way.
I would be naive to think that nothing changed after Thursday. I would be naive to say that she is acting the way she was before because she is not. She is acting different. This is fact. What is up for debate is what it all means. No one can know how she feels right now except for her. I may strongly believe that her feeling for me have decreased and now she is trying to avoid me in small instances. Regardless of what I believe, I could very easily be wrong. Even if I was right, nothing is set in stone and I could change that. I can and want to change that. I hope I find out more soon. I actually wish I knew now so I could concentrate on my damn lab report.
Good Grief Charlie Brown.
In psychology we learned of a concept called 'missattribution of arousal." I think I'm starting to understand it. I have tons of anxiety. Bundles, heaps, gaggles, and boxes of anxiety. I have been under the impression that it is due to this new girl, BUT, I have one big fucking other source of anxiety; THE RETURN TO CLASSES. I have a midterm on Friday, a calc problem set due on wednesday, applications for research opprotunities, and I am late in calling an employer for a summer job. I AM FRICKING SWAMPED. So I have probably been a little melodramatic and missattributing this arousal to her rather than the more obvious source of the rest of my life :P
Sadly though that doesn't mean I'm not anxious over her at all. I still am, but it's more of one more fucking cherry on the cake of pain. I would much rather not have to deal with her at all; and by "deal" I mean worry about the things I worry about. I mean if we were together and happy, I honestly doubt I'd be worrying. But, such is life. I am still trying to woo her and will continue to at this point in time. However, I still feel like she is no longer interested. If I still feel like this after pi day, I'm done. My self esteem can only take so much patience. Her loss.
I would love to meet a girl, for once, that can actually lower my stress.
Sadly though that doesn't mean I'm not anxious over her at all. I still am, but it's more of one more fucking cherry on the cake of pain. I would much rather not have to deal with her at all; and by "deal" I mean worry about the things I worry about. I mean if we were together and happy, I honestly doubt I'd be worrying. But, such is life. I am still trying to woo her and will continue to at this point in time. However, I still feel like she is no longer interested. If I still feel like this after pi day, I'm done. My self esteem can only take so much patience. Her loss.
I would love to meet a girl, for once, that can actually lower my stress.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Return to older worse things.
So, this is kind of a blast from the past. This blog, this whole idea of a blog, is stupid. It is a waste of my time. So you non-existent readers might be wondering, "If it is so stupid why do you have a new post?" Well that is a fantastic question smart ass. The reason I am posting on this computer (yes, it is a computer, not a fucking forest on a journey or some shit) is because I have exhausted my complaining resources. I have complained and complained to all my friends that I'm afraid if I complain anymore they will give up on me and leave. But then a more bleak thought emerges. I've already given up on myself. So I shall now complain to you, the faceless internet, in the hopes of a miracle.
You see, I have made a lot of progress since this blog started. I have a new life free from the obsesive thoughts of jenn (yes I have said her name). I found happiness in myself and I was even in a play. However, I may have made too much progress. I have found a new girl. Julene. She, some reason, has invaded my thoughts. When I see romance and couples I don't think of jenn. I think of Julene. But this brings up the problem that I am now facing... flirting.
I am a stereotype. I am the nerd who doesn't know what the fuck to say in front of a pretty girl, but with a catch. The truth is I know exactly what to say. I am smart funny and I can be quite flirtacious, but when I see her I FORGET EVERYTHING. I devolve to a sixth grade boy who blushes at the thought of a kiss. I want nothing more than for this to work out, but I don't think it can. I just fail, and fail, and fail continuously. IT TOOK ME TILL TODAY, to figure out that when I text her I don't need an excuse to do it, I just need to say "hey, how are you?" and that was AFTER MY BEST FRIEND TOLD ME. I lose all my common sense. I need my hand to be held every fucking step of the way. I feel like a grandfather with alzheimer's. Although, it may be too late. It's a little strange. She will comment on stuff on facebook, but I txted her exactly that and she never replyed. I may have fucked up my first date so badly that it was over before it began.
But, there may be a silver lining. 1) She may feel like she screwed up and that could be what is strange with her. 2) I should be doing it my own way, instead of asking for advice. 3) I should tell her how I feel so I stop obsessing over it. 1 or all 3 of these options may be the real story. I don't know. Till I find out I guess I will try, try, and try again.
You see, I have made a lot of progress since this blog started. I have a new life free from the obsesive thoughts of jenn (yes I have said her name). I found happiness in myself and I was even in a play. However, I may have made too much progress. I have found a new girl. Julene. She, some reason, has invaded my thoughts. When I see romance and couples I don't think of jenn. I think of Julene. But this brings up the problem that I am now facing... flirting.
I am a stereotype. I am the nerd who doesn't know what the fuck to say in front of a pretty girl, but with a catch. The truth is I know exactly what to say. I am smart funny and I can be quite flirtacious, but when I see her I FORGET EVERYTHING. I devolve to a sixth grade boy who blushes at the thought of a kiss. I want nothing more than for this to work out, but I don't think it can. I just fail, and fail, and fail continuously. IT TOOK ME TILL TODAY, to figure out that when I text her I don't need an excuse to do it, I just need to say "hey, how are you?" and that was AFTER MY BEST FRIEND TOLD ME. I lose all my common sense. I need my hand to be held every fucking step of the way. I feel like a grandfather with alzheimer's. Although, it may be too late. It's a little strange. She will comment on stuff on facebook, but I txted her exactly that and she never replyed. I may have fucked up my first date so badly that it was over before it began.
But, there may be a silver lining. 1) She may feel like she screwed up and that could be what is strange with her. 2) I should be doing it my own way, instead of asking for advice. 3) I should tell her how I feel so I stop obsessing over it. 1 or all 3 of these options may be the real story. I don't know. Till I find out I guess I will try, try, and try again.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Things to look forward to Day 9
I want to say a quick painless death but I guess that defeats the point of this being positive thinking :P
So I guess I will have to say: Surviving first year and moving on to better things.
So I guess I will have to say: Surviving first year and moving on to better things.
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