Things to look forward to Day 10

Christmas Break

Things to look forward to Day 9

I want to say a quick painless death but I guess that defeats the point of this being positive thinking :P

So I guess I will have to say: Surviving first year and moving on to better things.

...

what should I do? I should do nothing, but I can't. AAarrrRggg... broken.

The F*** You Song.

THIS IN NO WAY HAS TO DO WITH THE GIRL. This is just a really catchy funny song that ABC showed me that brightens up my day and is fun to sing along to when you are angry. Again. I promise this has nothing to do with her.

Fuck You by Cee Lo Green: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU

F.U.N.

Today I was studying for my calculus exam with ABC and guess what?... I HAD FUN. During the most random time to have fun I had TRUE FUN for like the first time since the break up. We were studying and listening to music and she was in my mind, but I was still having fun anyways.

It just kind of clicked. It doesn't matter what happened, I am still Darren Boulet. I don't have to be different if I don't want to. This isn't some spell that was cast on me to stop me from having fun. I can still have fun with my pals that have been with me since elementary school. She can wait because right now I'm focusing on me, my friends and having fun.

Things to look forward to Day 8

HAVING MORE FUN.

Anger

I still have some anger built up inside me. Not anger towards her. More like anger in general. This anger built up from this situation, so even if I don't believe it anymore, which I don't, it's still there. I still believe that the more love give the more this anger will go away, but I can't find anyone to love :P I don't even mean love in the romantic sense. I can't even find people to help. No one seems to need my help, or my caring. How can I love anyone when no one needs to be loved?

This is just a big mess of a problem. Well my psych teacher said the average time to get over depression is 6 months. Only 4 more months to go!... I'm getting pretty fucking used to disappointment.

Change

For the longest time I've felt that she has become a completely different person. That she is no where close the person that I remember. That she is treating me like I'm a different person; I'm the same, she is the one that is changed.

What I said may be true on some level. Everyone is changing all the time, especially during the adventure that is university. And of course she is going to treat me a little differently; we aren't together anymore. However, it took me till now to realize that What I described in the above paragraph is actually how I've been acting. I am acting like a completely different person. I don't remember ever acting this way before. I am treating her like a completely different person; she is pretty much the exact same girl I remember, I just can't seem to recognize it anymore. My view of the world and her actions are skewed and I don't like it. I'm the one that has changed.

To Quote Brittney Spears, "My loneliness, is killing me."

Being alone sucks. I mean I'm not a loner. I have friends. In fact I have a bunch of friends that really care about me. What I mean by being alone is that I have no one to share my problems with. No one undertands what I'm going through. This is why I'm alone. I have no one to talk to. It probably makes my situation feel worse. The only person who does won't talk to me for my own good. Maybe down the road I will appreciate the fact that I can deal with my problems myself, as of now I don't agree. I mean this is a good experience that will make me stronger and make me appreciate when I do find someone to be with even more. Whether that is a completely new person I never met before, ... or maybe I get back together with the girl. Does that make me a weak spinless person to hope that? I hope not. I feel so guilty, but I have yet to admit it and I can't lie to myself anymore. I want to be with her again.... although I don't believe that will happen. I think that scenerio exists only in my dreams because it actually does exist in my dreams... it happens a lot.

It's good though to think that it will never happen because it forces me to move on, which I think is the healthy thing to do. I just hate feeling alone.

Training your Brain in Minutes a Day.

Why does it make me angry that I'm not her top priorety? This is why I was angry before. It's not that I didn't think she cared, it's that I didn't think she cared enough. I mean I know why I think this. It's because I'm upset that she broke up with me. Obviously i'm going to be upset that I'm as important to her as I used to be. It's just fucking hard to accept that. I need to understand that I'm not the most important thing to her, we aren't together, she's not my responsibilty and I'm not her's, I don't have anymore influence on her life, and we need to date other people and I can't stop her.

It sounds so simple when I type it, but it's been 2 months, why can't I fucking grasp it? And why don't I want to.

Things to look forward to Day 7.

Spending more time with my new friends

So Much Anxiety so Little Time

I feel anxious almost... well I guess 87% of the time. Maybe more, I don't really know, but I know it's a whole lot. Here is a few things that make me anxious: talking to pretty girls, thinking about school work, doing school work, auditioning for a musical when you know you can't sing, thinking about tomorrow and thinking about my life. Take note that these are just the things that don't have to do with THE girl. Add the things that make me anxious regarding her and you've got yourself 100 different problems.

I never used to be like this. Seriously. Before the break-up people considered me to be an extremely chill guy. I never worried about anything. It was like I was constantly sedated. Ok, maybe that was an exageration, but I was definately more chill than most people. In fact, people would think the world was ending if I ever got angry. Now if my favorite TV show isn't on that week I start freaking out. It just sucks knowing you've completely changed as a person into someone you aren't happy with anymore. I don't really like myself anymore. I never thought I would say that. I've always liked who I was, but maybe that's the point. I liked who I WAS, not who I am now. The thing is I feel like I'm trying to change back, but I just can't , no matter how hard I try. I stay this neurotic mess of a person that can't seem to deal with a problem on his own, instead of the funny guy who wasn't phased by life's curve balls.

Maybe it's wrong to blame all my problems on this break up. Actually scratch that, I KNOW it's wrong to be blaming all my problems on this break up, but can you blame me? I mean it's not like I was like this before the break up. Also this is a terrible thought, but I feel like I wouldn't be like this if the break up never happened. I just shouldn't think about things like that. I should do what my psychology professor says and "redirect my attention to other things." You see, redirecting attention is different than avoiding because you still care about, it's on your mind, it's just not your top priorety. Actually I just realized that's what she's doing to me... fuck it's working well. I wan't to be able to do that. I want to be able to NOT think about her, her good looks, sense of humor, and all around caringness.... wow this isn't working. Shit, think, THINK. There has to be a way to get out of this funk!

I think I would be soooooo much better if I found another female. Someone who understands me and cares about me... and NOT the same gender as me! The problem is I've got so much emotional baggage at the moment no girl would want to deal with me. IM A MESS. As I told the girl when we first started dating, "I'm a broken robot." Well that kind of implies I was broken before, which I was, but not to this extent. So this makes me believe that if it worked before it will work again, which is a very optimistic thing to say. However, here arrises another problem. I CAN'T MEET PEOPLE. I commute to school. This right here is the biggest fucking problem because anyone who commutes knows that if you stay on residence you meet WAYYY more people and a lot easier too. Second problem, ALL THE CUTE GIRLS ARE ALREADY TAKEN. I mean, shit! All the awesome girls I've met still have their boyfriends from highschool. Why do I have to fall in love with the girl who can't fucking deal with it? Does this prove that God exists and that he hates me? I like to think so :P Here comes the third problem, even if I did find a super awesome girl who was single, I DONT KNOW HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS. They were even one of the things I listed that made me anxious! I just never learned how to talk to girls properly/flirt with them. I never learned because I met this girl who was as awkward as I was and that's why we went out. We both didn't know how to talk to the opposite sex :P. Not to mention that me not being in a right state of mind at the moment makes it even harder to talk to ANYONE in general. So I probably won't find anyone anytime soon. Maybe that's a good thing since if I'm still feeling this way towards the girl than I wouldn't be feeling anything genuin towards a new girl. However, if I found a new girl they would sweep me off my feet and make my forget all about the girl.... hahaha like that's going to happen. It would take a fricking wave of women to make me forget about the girl. Besides, if I forgot the girl I would be forgetting all the good things she taught me.

I need to find a way to stop all this anxiety. There has to be something I can do, but I can't think of anything. I just want to stop being anxious because it's affecting my life in a negaitve way and changing me in a way that I don't like. I just want it to stop, is that so much to ask?!? Oh wait, I forgot this is supposed to be a learning experience... well fuck that :P It just makes me hate learning a little bit.

Sex and the Party 2

I went to another party. This time with two of my best friends at a University an hour from here. I realized had some strong feelings and secrets about myself and sex. Maybe one day when I am not  so scared and confused with myself I will be able to talk about them. Right now I think they may be too personal even for the close friends reading this blog. They might actually make me feel worse than the breakup itself in some ways. I feel like a fucked up person.

An Inconvenient Truth

Over the past couple days my parents and friends have constantly told me that there is someone perfect for me out there. Someone better than her. This may be true, but if I can't see them yet it doesn't really help me at the moment :P ... not to mention that I still think it's her sadly.

Putting my foot Down.

I'm tired of feeling shitty. Plain and simple because that's all I feel all the time. I can only ever get her out of my head for about a half hour at most. You know it's sad when you can't have a good time partying at your best friend's university campus (I did this last night) for the sole reason reason that his campus looks too much and is too close to her campus. That's when you know for sure you have a problem.

My problem is that I care about her too much. Not only that, but I care about what she thinks too much. She no longer has any say in what I do. She gave up that priveledge. It shouldn't matter to me what she is thinking because we aren't together anymore. I have been trying too hard to get this friendship going again, when the onus should deffinately NOT be on me. It should be completely her responsibilty to get this friendship going because since she vroke up with me this is obviously her fault. Also because she told me that there was absolutly nothing I could have done to prevent this break up, so why am I trying?

From now on I will not talk to her. I will not message her and I will not try to get in touch with her. I am completely willing to make this work, but this time it must be her to take the first step. This is the way it should of been in the first place because it is her responsibilty to prove to me that even though she broke up with me, I still matter to her. She needs to prove to me that she cares what I think and really wants to be my friend because that's what I've done for her. She hasn't done this yet. So far I have always been the person to make the first move. I'm not going to make it easy for her anymore. That doesn't mean I'm going to make it harder. I'm not going to make it harder for her. That is actually the last thing I want to do. I am just going to make it the way it should be; her making this friend ship work. This is her turn now.

Things to look forward to Day 6

Being and proving to myself that I am my own person.

Things to look forward to Day 5.

Being friends again with her.

A Random Message.

She texted me. She actually texted me today. I was going about my daily routine when her name popped into my phone. I don't usually get texts so to see her name was an extra surprise. She was putting her adventure aside to take a break from all the stress and monotony... and talk to me. As soon as I read the text and started to reply my heart started beating out of my chest. I was so nervous. I have been in many plays and this is the most stage fright I have experienced in my entire life :P. We had a simple conversation about what we were doing and we exchanged jokes. She seemed happy. I am actually glad. However, mid conversation I realized that the one day she chose to text me happened to be what would have been our monthiversery if that's a word. Being a little upset over the choice of day I decide to remind her of that so I am not the only one that is forced to think about it. Luckily she did not get upset. She just apologized for picking today. I am glad for that as well. We said goodbye and told the other person that we were excited to so each other during the Christmas holidays and that was the end.

Now I know that sounds like an extremely mundane conversation, but it means a lot to me. I'm truly happy that we are talking again. However, my heart was racing after and I didn't want to be alone. I might be this fragile after one conversation, but I know that this was definitely better than no conversation at all. I would rather feel this way and talk to her than feel safe and not talk to her at all because I know that after every conversation we have it will be a little easier and this feeling will go away. I can do this. For her and for myself.

Revelation

The forest has been particulalry harsh to me over the past couple days. I've been sleep deprived, injured and my equipment has been broken. I was sent to my lowest point and I felt like I could not escape. However, the story is not over. As I lied there in the maze of trees I found a small light to help guide from the confusion and pain. I found people.

These people helped me up and gave me comfort and asked me to follow them. As we walked through the woods we spoke for a long time. We talked about philosophy, life and love which infused me with new ideas and returned some of my broken sanity. I can now look at my situation from an objective perspective and I have only those kind men to thank.

I may be in hell right now, but I am not the only one. She is experiencing her own hell. I am not the only one being hurt. She is too. She is dealing with her own adventure, that is as great of a challenge as mine, and I am no longer there to provide the support that she so often deserved. She has gone through her own hardships and she has experienced great pain. Not to mention that she has been forced to observe my decent into insanity, constantly being reminded of the pain she inflicted on me. She must cope with being alone in a foreign place as I am now. I just wish I could be there for her. She truely cares. I know now she does. I must never forget this concrete fact. She just doesn't want to hurt me anymore than I already am.

You see, everything that I saw in her; every joy, insight, experience, and emotion is now inside me. I now have that power because she gave it to me. I can use it as the light to guide me through this endless maze and maybe find a purpose for all this pain finally. However, as inspiring as this message is I am still the loneliest I have ever been, but at least I have people that can provide me company and direct my attention away from my lonelyness. I now know that I can release the tension and fury inside me. It won't be instantaneous, but slowly, day by day, I may be able to expell it little by little. My secret is not self-destruction, self-mutilation, or violence. My greatest catharsis will be found in the love I give. The more I love, the better I feel. However, it is not romantic love I am refering to; no. If there is anything my journey so far has taught me it is that romantic love fades away. The love I am talking about is the love that I promised her many years ago. It is the unconditional, unrelenting love of a true friendship. That love lasts forever. A tear came to my eye.

To my best friend. I am truely sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

Sincerely,
The Friendly Wanderer.

Things to look forward to Day 4

Being a better person.

Things to look forward to Day 3

finally letting go of built up emotions.

Release

The tension is rising and I can't hold it in. There is so much anger and emotion building up inside that I can't take it anymore. I just want to let go. Let go of all this pain and sorrow and fear so I can free myself from this circle I've been walking in for days. I need that cathartic release. That moment when everything you've been feeling just melts away like it was never apart of you. It was just a sheet of stone that fades away to make you feel like all the pressure and anxiety was just lifted off. Once that happens I will be a new man. I will be free and all will be forgiven. My path will finally be clear and definite. I will return home having reached the end of my journey and we will be friends.

... However, until then I am trapped and held back by own emotions. Until I can release everything I've been feeling I'm afraid I will wander this forest forever.

Monotony

Every day is like the same reoccurring dream,
With all the pathways and walls blurring into the next.
The location and situation is never changing.
I want to break free from this monotony.

Depression Test

Here is a funny story. My psychology professor showed us a video on positive psychology and after the video he told us to go to the website authentichappiness.org to take some tests and see how happy we were. I took the depression test because I was curious what an actual psychological study would say about my feelings. The scoring was from 0-60, 0 being not depressed, and 60 being the most depressed person in the world. I scored a 41. The test told me that if I scored above 24 I was in the severely depressed range and should seek medical/psychiatric attention immediately. WTF should I do if I get 17 points above that :P

At first all I could do was laugh. I laughed for a good minute and a half. And then I stopped laughing... I'm scared.

Rebirth

Every day is a new day. One step closer to the end of the path. Every new day brings with it the possibilty of something good. Eventually it will all be over and I will be one of the few to survive the longest adventure. How it will end is a mystery and that makes it more exciting.

Forgiveness

Is something I am uncapable in my state. Maybe someday. It will take more than a reply for her to fix the damage she has done to me.

Things to look forward to Day 2

The Improv Club workshops.

Breakdown

I just had a breakdown. After all the thoughts that the girl has left me with came to fruition simultaneously I broke down crying on the path. I screamed to the heavens and I cursed her out. She was the best part of my life and now she is the worst. She spurns me and does not know it. She hurts me deeper than any wound I have endured and she hasn't a clue. I can't tell her because she is too far away and I am lost with no way to find the start. My biggest fear is that when our paths cross again my heart will be so full of hatred that the moment will be lost and I will make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. My greatest hope is that our paths cross soon. Soon, before my blind anger takes over again.

This adventure has done a number on my body and soul. I am not the man I used to be. I am something savage, irrational and broken. I am not alright. I feel like I want to destroy, mutilate, and hurt something. I feel like I want to have sex with someone just to spite her, whether I enjoy it or not. They say it is all in my head. They are probably right, but I can never know or come to that conclusion. My mind has started go as I wander deeper into the wilderness. I no longer have my environment to worry about. My mind is now my biggest enemy and no one is there to help me. I am truely alone.

HELP

I need it badly. May god have mercy on my soul. If you know me please call. I need it.

The Absolute Truth.

On my long adventure I have discovered one major truth about the girl. She has an absolute disregard for my feelings. I have traveled and felt much pain and she ignores it. She has condemed me to be alone. To be by myself. For what reason? For what motive? I wish i fucking knew because to me there doesn't to be a single reason to act like this. The less she tries to be there for me at the end of my journey the more I dislike her. In fact I'm starting to loath her. Or maybe hate is a better word? I'm not sure. I'm so filled with anger at the moment that I can't think of a proper word to describe my emotions.

She promised to be my friend at the end. I call bullshit. A persons promises mean nothing to me once they have been broken enough.
A person only truelly cares about someone if they put their fucking moneye where their mouth is. She has not. She has repeated to me countless times that she cares about me, BUT SHE HAS NOT ONCE SHOWN IT. Not a single time since she left me has she asked how I was on my adventure or even let me know that she has read my texts. she has just been a bitch and I want the world to know she is a bitch. She has hurt me and helped me in no way. She may have a reason BUT THERE IS NO EXCUSE. fuck my emotions fuck my perception of her. Fuck her.

Sex and the Party

This post is for my good friend ABC.

So here's the deal. Sex means a lot to me... yet I've never had it. How can a virgin say that sex is important to him. Well I think about it a lot. I mean A LOT. I feel like everyone has already had it and I should have by now. I haven't even made it to 3rd base. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me as to why I haven't had it yet. I just want to get it out of the way as fast as possible. So when I heard about the university halloween party coming up I anticipated getting layed. I actually physically prepared myself to get layed (i wont say how. thats gross.).

I got to the party and got VERY drunk. The drunkest i have ever been. I kind of got this drunk as an escape from the problems I post on this blog and no I am not proud of that. I was dressed as a hippie and I found this girl that was also dressed up as a hippie. She was all over me. She was pretty much trying to grope me, but she was just as drunk as I was. As I was dancing there with her (keep in mind I was very drunk to the point where I could not properly stand) I came to the conclusion that this was very wrong and gross. She was a very dirty slut and I was not about to become one of those myself. I did not want to lose my virginty to that. I felt gross. Before anything happened I got my best friend ABC to get me out of there.

No matter how much I think about it I don't care. I will lose it only when the time is right. The wait just means that when it happens it will be that much better. I don't want to rush it.

Dissapointment

So my ex-girlfriend, who I will name "the girl" to fit with the theme of mysterious adventure and to get rid of any emotional attachment to her name, was originally my best friend before we went out. We would talk on the phone every night. She told me that she still wanted to be my best friend after the break up. I felt like I really did want to stay friends because not only did she mean a lot to me, she made me a better person and taught me how not to lie, not to worry, and to enjoy life. Now whenever I try to talk to her I just feel like I am setting myself up for disapointment.

I havent been talking to her for a month and my friend thinks it's a good idea to try and build a friendship slowly now by texting her once in a while. So I tried. After 3 days she has not texted me back. How the hell am I supposed to build a relationship with someone who will not even text me back one word to acknowledge the fact that she got my text. I will never be able to build up to a phone conversation because I will never be able to get her to call me. She says she doesn't like texting, but I feel like that isn't an excuse. If she cared she would go out of her way to ignore this unreasonable pet peive to at least text me one word. If she can't text me one fucking word, she doesn't care. Plain and simple. At least that's my opinion. My friend is free to despute me if she really wants to.

Every time I build up enough courage to reach out to her I leave myself extremely vulnerable. So when I get dissapointed, which is pretty much every fucking time, it hurts me emotionally even more that the last. Every time I try to rebuild our friendship it leaves me a little more broken. It is this very reason why I feel like I should stop trying. Forget her. Cut her off from my life. She stole a part of me when she left me at the terminal and I don't fucking want to give her more because that's all that is happening. Not only am I lost in my adventure, but now I am losing myself and my mind. I don't know how much more dissapointment I can take.

I have friends that aren't her. They care about me and are there for me. I don't need her.

Things to look forward to Day 1

Rock Band 3
November Break

My Feelings... IN SONG!

This song I found on youtube is sung by the lovely Sarah Gregory, along with the help of the Gregory Brothers. These guys are famous for their series Auto Tune the News and Songify This.

This song sums up EXACTLY how I feel right now. It's scary actually. Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pT_4YytbF-w

Down to Business

How was that for a first post? :P I know it is a little melodramatic, but it was fun to write.

Here is the deal. My girlfriend broke up with me. I was madly in love with her and still kind of am. Deal with it. Actually thats what I'm trying to do. That is the whole purpose of the blog. A way of constructively dealling with my problems and emotions. Therefore, this blog is going to get very winey sometimes. Again deal with it. I made this blog for myself, not for you. So I will post what I want for my benefit. Now if you do happen to read something that you can relate to, that's awesome. Keep reading my blog. You may find more. :) By the way. To offset all the darkness in my soul :P I will post something i have to look forward to everday for all of November.

Now that that is out of the way, on to the actual posting.

The First Step and Warning

"Alright here goes nothing," I said as I wandered upon the next location in my unending journey. I'm not sure where I'm going. All I know is that I'm going somewhere and that's better than wandering. I may not have a destination, but I have a cause. I want to forget her. As this seems imposible, since she is always on my mind, I will easily settle for forgeting my feelings towards her. She left me as the train left the station to my longest journey. This was supposed to be an adventure that we shared. That we conqured together despite the distance appart. Now I am alone. Wandering through my greatest challenge alone. Well, alone from her. This is why I am the friendly wanderer. I don't know where I am going, but I am willing to accept the help of everyone. I will help and be helped, but I will always be wandering without a destination until I find it. May God save me.