I feel anxious almost... well I guess 87% of the time. Maybe more, I don't really know, but I know it's a whole lot. Here is a few things that make me anxious: talking to pretty girls, thinking about school work, doing school work, auditioning for a musical when you know you can't sing, thinking about tomorrow and thinking about my life. Take note that these are just the things that don't have to do with THE girl. Add the things that make me anxious regarding her and you've got yourself 100 different problems.
I never used to be like this. Seriously. Before the break-up people considered me to be an extremely chill guy. I never worried about anything. It was like I was constantly sedated. Ok, maybe that was an exageration, but I was definately more chill than most people. In fact, people would think the world was ending if I ever got angry. Now if my favorite TV show isn't on that week I start freaking out. It just sucks knowing you've completely changed as a person into someone you aren't happy with anymore. I don't really like myself anymore. I never thought I would say that. I've always liked who I was, but maybe that's the point. I liked who I WAS, not who I am now. The thing is I feel like I'm trying to change back, but I just can't , no matter how hard I try. I stay this neurotic mess of a person that can't seem to deal with a problem on his own, instead of the funny guy who wasn't phased by life's curve balls.
Maybe it's wrong to blame all my problems on this break up. Actually scratch that, I KNOW it's wrong to be blaming all my problems on this break up, but can you blame me? I mean it's not like I was like this before the break up. Also this is a terrible thought, but I feel like I wouldn't be like this if the break up never happened. I just shouldn't think about things like that. I should do what my psychology professor says and "redirect my attention to other things." You see, redirecting attention is different than avoiding because you still care about, it's on your mind, it's just not your top priorety. Actually I just realized that's what she's doing to me... fuck it's working well. I wan't to be able to do that. I want to be able to NOT think about her, her good looks, sense of humor, and all around caringness.... wow this isn't working. Shit, think, THINK. There has to be a way to get out of this funk!
I think I would be soooooo much better if I found another female. Someone who understands me and cares about me... and NOT the same gender as me! The problem is I've got so much emotional baggage at the moment no girl would want to deal with me. IM A MESS. As I told the girl when we first started dating, "I'm a broken robot." Well that kind of implies I was broken before, which I was, but not to this extent. So this makes me believe that if it worked before it will work again, which is a very optimistic thing to say. However, here arrises another problem. I CAN'T MEET PEOPLE. I commute to school. This right here is the biggest fucking problem because anyone who commutes knows that if you stay on residence you meet WAYYY more people and a lot easier too. Second problem, ALL THE CUTE GIRLS ARE ALREADY TAKEN. I mean, shit! All the awesome girls I've met still have their boyfriends from highschool. Why do I have to fall in love with the girl who can't fucking deal with it? Does this prove that God exists and that he hates me? I like to think so :P Here comes the third problem, even if I did find a super awesome girl who was single, I DONT KNOW HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS. They were even one of the things I listed that made me anxious! I just never learned how to talk to girls properly/flirt with them. I never learned because I met this girl who was as awkward as I was and that's why we went out. We both didn't know how to talk to the opposite sex :P. Not to mention that me not being in a right state of mind at the moment makes it even harder to talk to ANYONE in general. So I probably won't find anyone anytime soon. Maybe that's a good thing since if I'm still feeling this way towards the girl than I wouldn't be feeling anything genuin towards a new girl. However, if I found a new girl they would sweep me off my feet and make my forget all about the girl.... hahaha like that's going to happen. It would take a fricking wave of women to make me forget about the girl. Besides, if I forgot the girl I would be forgetting all the good things she taught me.
I need to find a way to stop all this anxiety. There has to be something I can do, but I can't think of anything. I just want to stop being anxious because it's affecting my life in a negaitve way and changing me in a way that I don't like. I just want it to stop, is that so much to ask?!? Oh wait, I forgot this is supposed to be a learning experience... well fuck that :P It just makes me hate learning a little bit.
